It was a surreal way to wake up this morning to a breaking news email talking about Pulse, a place that helped define the 7 years I grew into adulthood. And it certainly jolted me awake, panic and anxiety kicking in for all my friends back home. And the God damn powerlessness I felt, where all I could do was send texts and call people to see if they had gone out that Saturday night.
I’ve recently thought about getting rid of my Facebook, I barely use it for anything. Developed for other countries, Facebook has a feature where you can mark yourself as “Safe” during attacks, so that your friends know that you are in a safe location and/or survived. Never would have thought that with it being today’s day and age here in America I’d be relying on it. Attacks like this never really hit home, until they do.
I didn’t really know Drew Leinonen all that well. We went to college together and would see each other out and about at the clubs. We were friends on Facebook, and he always was constantly posting pictures of his life. And he was always smiling, happy as can be. Drew was at Pulse last night for Latin night with his boyfriend, Juan. From what I’ve gathered, Juan took two shots to the chest, and did pass away at the hospital later. I pray that his family was able to get to him in time and at least get to say goodbye to each other. Drew has not been accounted for yet, either in the confirmed deaths or at any of the hospitals. He has also not contacted anyone, nor update his Facebook. At this point we’re praying for a miracle and that he is somehow alive at a hospital and for whatever medical reason not been able to reach out.
The gun debates have gone on for decades now, and I’ve honestly paid little attention to them. I knew where I stood, I don’t think they’re needed. America has a dangerous obsession with them, and logically, I’ve never understood why that’s so hard to see. Fine, I’ll give you enough doubt to buy them, but you’re literally so greedy to not even have proper background checks and classes to ensure they don’t end up in the wrong hands? But it’s never effected me personally, not like being gay or Asian has, so it’s something that I tended to write off.
And today that all imploded on itself. I’m not even sure how I kept myself together at work all day. So many feelings and emotions kept surging forth, and having to keep refreshing the official website listing the victims whose families had already been contacted and officially released. How in the fucking hell have we as a country allowed violent bigots, racists, and homophobes the right to buy and bear war-grade weapons and use them on innocent lives? Why the fuck do we now have to worry about getting murdered in a supposedly safe space because we can’t piss off the right wing and get guns eliminated? This hits home to me because our trans brothers and sisters go through this every fucking day and we did little to pay attention to it. Until now, because now we’re all back in the same boat. I’ve got several trans friends who have miraculously never had the violent encounters we read about online, so I will even admit to living in a bubble where I wrote it off a little. The bubble’s been popped. Trans friends, I sincerely apologize for not being able to fully appreciate the fears and anxieties you do deal with on a daily basis.
My one hope to come out of all this tragedy is that we can use this to rally the base and actually push for gun control change. Because if not, how much more blood will have to be spilled for this damn ignorant country to realize that we’re the only first world country who still has issues like this? Because I can tell you now, not only am I extremely sad and upset at losing someone I actually knew, but I am fucking furious now that there are those out there that will continue to try and let this become the status quo. That they think they can take our safe spaces from us, and expect us to live in fear. That they think they can strip our rights away from us like the old kings of history. And if you even think about mentioning to me that you are going to protest vote for Trump then I don’t even want to know you.
As I come to conclusion, I find on Facebook a gofundme link that has been started by Drew’s aunt. In it she confirms that he was indeed a victim of the attack, and that he has passed away. Drew, I can only hope that it was a quick and you didn’t feel anything. And I’m taking solace in that at least you’re up there with Juan, and will not have to be apart and move on from each other. God bless, and rest in peace. Please, if you can, donate to it to help his family.
